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雅思作文批改: 雅思大作文批改实录之 4:企业外迁好坏

Aileen来自:河南省 郑州市 新密市 时间:2018-11-14 20:29 影响: 172197人

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题目

Because of traffic and housing problems in the cities,the government encourages businesses to move to the rural area. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

习作

With the boom of economic and rapid development of urbanization, more and more people rush into the city, which expands the demand for houses of cities and supplies the traffic pressure.As a result, the housing price soared and traffic jam is heier. So, the government encourages some business to move to the rural area, which, I think, is beneficial to solve the city problems in house and traffic.

On the one hand, there are large populations but less land resources in big cities. If some businesses move to rural area, the population of civic centre will decrease and the demand for houses of cities will fall, which can contribute to controlling the crazy housing price, and then reduce the housing pressure. As the demand falls, the housing prices are bound to go down. As for traffic, along with the people to trel to and from work decrease when the businesses move to rural area, must be improved. And businesses move to rural area will develop and use rural area's land resources, which should expand the cities' space. On the other hand, businesses move to rural area, which will stimulant the consumption of rural area and facilitate infrastructure construction of these places. And more important, it is advantageous to offer employment and boost the local economy.

Of course, all things invariably divide into two. Some businesses are reluctant to move to rural area because the backward infrastructure of rural area and a great variety of services are not so good, which causes people working in rural area inconvenient. It is also probably to pollute the environment the rural area.

Above all, although it is difficult for government to move some businesses to rural area are, I think it is worth implementing. Some businesses move to rural area benefits not only for the cities, but also for the rural area.

评分:5.5

评改

本题的核心问题是:城市的交通和住房压力很大,于是政府鼓励企业搬迁到农村地区去,此举是好还是坏?我们的惯性思维当然是:此举甚好!因为企业一旦搬出城市,不仅空气好了,交通和住房压力都会大大地降低,同时还会带动农村当地的经济和发展。这些都是很有道理的,但是,大家可能没有想到,当企业搬到农村地区后,很多原来住在城市的工作人员就得往返于农村与城市之间,同时,企业若到农村地区,产品运输也会遇到更多问题。因此,如果政府鼓励企业搬往农村,就应该建立相应的配套基础设施,这样才能既降低城市交通住房压力,同时又保证企业正常经营。

本习作内容比较丰富,观点本身没有问题,也尝试使用了比较大的词汇和复杂的句型,然而,在这个过程中,该习作出现了很多错误,有些影响了内容的理解。如果该同学使用更为简单正确的写作方式,6 分不是问题,但由于该同学好高骛远,使用了自己驾驭不好的方式,结果得分在 5 分段。

第 1 段:With the boom of economic and rapid development of urbanization, more and more people rush into the city, which expands the demand for houses of cities and supplies the traffic pressure. As a result, the housing price soared and traffic jam is heier. So, the government encourages some business to move to the rural area, which, I think, is beneficial to solve the city problems in house and traffic.

[ 修改 ] With the economic boom and rapid development of urbanisation, more and more people are now rushing into the city, which has imposed great pressure on the urban housing and traffic. As one of the solutions to this problem, the government encourages businesses to move to the rural area, which, I believe, will be very effective to solve the problem of housing and traffic in the city.

[ 评析 ] 本段是开头段,先引出话题,然后重述题目观点,最后提出自己观点。(1)the boom of economic 是表达错误,宜为 economic boom。(2)expands the demand for houses of cities and supplies the traffic pressure 表达不清,搭配有比较大的错误。

第 2 段:On the one hand, there are large populations but less land resources in big cities. If some businesses move to rural area, the population of civic centre will decrease and the demand for houses of cities will fall, which can contribute to controlling the crazy housing price, and then reduce the housing pressure. As the demand falls, the housing prices are bound to go down. As for traffic, along with the people to trel to and from work decrease when the businesses move to rural area, must be improved. And businesses move to rural area will develop and use rural area's land resources, which should expand the cities' space. On the other hand, businesses move to rural area, which will stimulant the consumption of rural area and facilitate infrastructure construction of these places. And more important, it is advantageous to offer employment and boost the local economy.

[ 修改 ] On the one hand, most big cities are often very crowed with large population and limited resources. If some factories move to the countryside, there will be fewer people living in the city, then with the housing pressure reduced, the housing prices will surely go down. Meanwhile, the urban traffic will also improve because the number of commuters to and from work every day is now smaller. On the other hand, businesses moving to rural area will stimulate the consumption and facilitate infrastructure in this area besides offering employment opportunities to the local people.

[ 评析 ] 本段论述企业搬往乡村地区的好处,包括缓解城市住房和交通压力,以及促进当地经济发展。习作大小错误不少,且行文罗嗦,影响了质量。(1)less 很莫名其妙,因为这里没有比较的意思。中国经常不恰当地使用比较级,老雅认为,这也是不讲规矩的汉语语法惹的祸,比如,我们经常这样说 " 我现在比较忙 ",这句话中的 " 比较 " 根本没有比较的对象,其实就是表达一种程度。(2)civic centre 不是城市中心(city center, downtown area ) ,而是行政意义上的 " 市政中心 "。(3) As for traffic, along with the people to trel to and from work decrease when the businesses move to rural area, must be improved. 这句也是无规矩汉语语法造成的恶果,其汉语原文是:至于交通,当企业搬到乡村,随着(along with ) 上下班的人减少,也一定能改进。直译出来的英语令人哭笑不得。As for traffic 是状语,那么 must be improved 的主语是什么?谁 must be improved? 有人说,主语是 traffic,那老雅请问:traffic 在哪里?我们看到的只有做状语的 as for traffic!这就是英汉语的区别,汉语非常灵活,可意会(这里的主语是 traffic),却不需要语法形式(不需要把 traffic 放在主语位置),我们在英语写作中一定要克服汉语的 " 无主句 " 影响,每一句话都要有明确的主语。(4)And businesses move to rural area will develop and use rural area's land resources, which should expand the cities' space. 这句是无规矩汉语语法的又一硕果,其汉语是这样的:企业搬到乡村会发展和使用乡村的土地资源,这会扩大城市空间。汉语这样写完全没有问题,但英语直接翻译过来而不进行形式变化,那就是错误的。这句主语是 " 企业搬到乡村 ",但不能直接写成 "businesses move to rural area",因为这是个完整句子,它不可能作另外一个句子的主语,可以修改为主语从句 "That businesses move to rural area will...",或者动名词短语 "businesses moving to rural area will..." 仅在这一段,习作就犯下了三宗罪,而每宗都与被汉语影响而不考虑英语语法有关。

第 3 段:Of course, all things invariably divide into two. Some businesses are reluctant to move to rural area because the backward infrastructure of rural area and a great variety of services are not so good, which causes people working in rural area inconvenient. It is also probably to pollute the environment the rural area.

[ 修改 ] However, some problems may arise if companies move to the countryside. One problem is that the rural area is generally backward in transportation and communication system, which may cause a lot of inconveniences for companies. Besides, once many manufacturing factories rush to the rural area, the peace and quiet of the area will be immediately disrupted and come with that a lot of environmental and social issues.

[ 评析 ] 本段讲企业搬到乡村地区的不利之处,包括落后的基础设施以及服务,甚至包括对乡村地区可能造成污染等。习作的意思都表达到了,但语法错误甚多,连贯性差。(1)... all things invariably divide into two. 这句不知所云,似乎想说 " 所有事情必然要一分为二 "。这就是汉语的影响。还有很多同学喜欢用 "Every coin has two sides",这句虽然没错,比习作的那句要更正确,但是这样的固定用语被用得太多,以至于让人生厌了。建议烤鸭们不要使用这样的 " 死 " 习语,直接了当地表达自己想要说的内容,不是更好么?(2)..., which causes people working in rural area inconvenient... 确信这句正确么? "cause people inconvenient"?是想说 " 给人们带来不方便 "?正确的说法是 "cause inconveniences for people"!(3)最后一句 "It is also probably to pollute the environment the rural area" 中,"it" 指代什么?本句的时态 it is ... to pollute... 是将来时吗?是不是写成 "it may pollute the environment" 会更加清晰?老雅有时候真的很困惑,我们的可以用那么大的词汇,但是在句型和语法方面为什么就那么一塌糊涂呢?这也许是因为很多同学一开始就认为,学英语就是背单词,从而忽略了阅读的重要性。老雅的观点是:真正要提高英语写作水平,必然建立在大量阅读基础上!

第 4 段:Above all, although it is difficult for government to move some businesses to rural area are, I think it is worth implementing. Some businesses move to rural area benefits not only for the cities, but also for the rural area.

[ 修改 ] Although there may be transportation, communication and environment problems if businesses move to the country area, I believe it is worth trying because it is a good way to solve the traffic and housing problems in the city on the one hand and improve the rural economy on the other.

[ 评析 ] 本段为总结段。习作原文虽然也总结了,也表达了自己的观点,但没有将前面讨论的关键词提出来,显得比较空泛。比如最后一句,some businesses move to rural area benefits not only for the cities, but also for the rural area,先抛开其语法错误不说(老雅在第 2 段评析中已经声泪俱下地讲过了!),它作为结尾句就显得尤其空洞,我们禁不住要问:企业搬到农村不仅对城市有利,对农村也有利,但是到底有哪些利?因此,老雅将这句具体化为:...it is a good way to solve the traffic and housing problems in the city on the one hand and improve the rural economy on the other. 这样,就将前面的讨论全部总结出来了。很多同学不会写结尾段,其实结尾段蛮重要的,是画龙点睛的地方,不能过于随意。

修改后全文

With the economic boom and rapid development of urbanisation, more and more people are now rushing into the city, which has imposed great pressure on the urban housing and traffic. As one of the solutions to this problem, the government encourages businesses to move to the rural area, which, I believe, will be very effective to solve the problem of housing and traffic in the city.

On the one hand, most big cities are often very crowed with large population and limited resources. If some factories move to the countryside, there will be fewer people living in the city, then with the housing pressure reduced, the housing prices will surely go down. Meanwhile, the urban traffic will also improve because the number of commuters to and from work every day is now smaller. On the other hand, businesses moving to rural area will stimulate the consumption and facilitate infrastructure in this area besides offering employment opportunities to the local people.

However, some problems may arise if companies move to the countryside. One problem is that the rural area is generally backward in transportation and communication system, which may cause a lot of inconveniences for companies. Besides, once many manufacturing factories rush to the rural area, the peace and quiet of the area will be immediately disrupted and come with that a lot of environmental and social issues.

Although there may be transportation, communication and environment problems if businesses move to the country area, I believe it is worth trying because it is a good way to solve the traffic and housing problems in the city on the one hand and improve the rural economy on the other.

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